Far Out Son of Lung...: Park Brawl

07 June 2006

Park Brawl

In a stunning showcase of adapt gymnastics and martial artistry, two squirrels faced off in Biltmore Park Tuesday afternoon. Fireballs, ice rockets, other-worldly spirits and a multi-dimensional phase-shifting elementals were employed while the two battled for territory.

"There isn't room in this park for the two of us", chattered Do Ming Xi on a website hosted from his dark and seedy tree knot within an ancient Walnut on the Western rim, "He shall fall and I shall reign supreme over the creatures of Biltmore. I will be a God to them!"

"Biltmore should be a happy home for all, not ruled over by a tyrant who wishes to oppress its population. This is not a place for a warlord, it is a place of peace", quothe Sparky, a feisty squirrel from Biltmore's newly renovated East section, and Do Ming Xi's opponent. The comments were made prior to the fight on an open forum for the inhabitants of Biltmore Park.

Biltmore, a sprawling 632-acre park, is currently home to not only both squirrels, but also an estimated 42,000 other rodents including squirrels, possums, raccoons, mice and rats. Many birds, snakes and salamanders also inhabit the park, but they are by and large unconcerned with the current mammal plight taking place.

The fight itself drew thousands of animals from around the park, and those who could not make it were treated to arial video and commentary provided by a squadron of Blue Jays.

"We shall crush them", screamed Bongo a possum from the seedy, lower West side of the Biltmore Park, "we will eat their corpses and drink their blood!"

"Only the righteous and true of heart can prevail", urged a teary eyed Ms. Wiggles as she watched the fight from the crwoded branch of a nearby Oak tree, "Sparky has to win, he just has to... he is a true champion of all animals of the park!"

Her words were quickly muffled by the cheers of the animals as Sparky delivered a ferocious, clawed round house to Do Ming Xi's chest. The blow was quickly followed by an amazing ball of ice meant to distract Do Ming Xi as well.

"My goal is not to kill him", Sparky was heard panting as he retreated, "Nothing can be solved through death. We just want peace and happiness."

Moments later Do Ming was on the offensive and had Sparky pinned to the ground, preparing for his final death blow. (pictured)

Without warning however, a bicyclist came down the path and was headed in the genral direction for the pair. Embroiled in battle and oblivious to the cyclist, both squirrels continued to fight and seemingly ignored the biker.

"We heard the clicking but thought it was something Sparky had cooked up, some secret weapon he had against the forces of ultimate evil. Unfortunately, it was a bicycle...", stated Mr. Ricky Raccoon from the base of the third grandstand some 10 minutes after the fight had ended.

As the bicycle approached both combatants continued to fight until the last moment when they seemed to sense impending disaster and broke apart. Perhaps it was the surprise of the cyclist or the interruption of the fight, but no matter the reason... both Sparky and Do Ming Xi were left with a rather copious amount of indecision as the bike closed quickly on their position.

An unnamed hedgehog pointed out that, "they didn't even have to stop fighting, the bike was no less than 10 feet from their position. They guy had even changed course to avoid them. I guess he thought they were playing or fighting over some nuts."

Regardless of the circumstances Sparky managed to use the situation as a distraction and break free from Do Ming Xi's self-proclaimed Death Attack of Doom, dart across the sidewalk and change direction as many as four times in an attempt to evade any magical spells being cast at him from behind. Unfortunately, his path ultimately lead him directly into the cyclist. Sparky's body was quickly whisked into the spokes, carried to the top of the tire and violently jammed through a very small gap in the fork. The result of which broke his neck, crushed his vertebrea and caused him to vomit his spleen, left lung and both kidneys. It also killed him instantly.

Upon witnessing this most voilent of deaths Do Ming turned and raised his tail to twitter in celebration, not noticing that he had turned back into the path of the bicycle. Tail snagged in the chain, his body was carried directly into the rear cogs of the speeding cycle and sliced to pieces by the hard pedaling cyclist. With blood dripping from both ends of the bicycle the cyclist could be heard laughing for several minutes.

With the rest of the park animals staring, some going into shock, it was clear that no winner had been established. Just then Mrs. McMurtry, a widow from the glitzy Park Heights neighborhood, arrove with a bag of fresh Walnuts. Within seconds much of the squirrel population was gathering for handouts.