Far Out Son of Lung...

St. Valentine's Massacre Revisited

Burkett Saunters into St. Valentine’s Final
Office New Boy Begins to Earn Respect
March 03, 2006
Irving, TX

In another strange twist of fate the St. Valentine’s Massacre sees its first entrant to the final match-up, while one side of the bracket remains mired in the sloth-like apathy of its participants. Derek Burkett, having disposed of Haley Fernau 20-26, unseated Mart manager Dwight Wilhelm with a tournament best of only 18 putts on the 9-hole course.

Burkett, gloating slightly following his victory was quick to point out, “Maybe now everyone will treat me with a little respect around here. I’d been getting real tired of all the whispered comments so it was time to speak my piece. Rather than raise a big stink in the office, I figured I’d just assert myself on the green.”

Through a stream of tears, “I just don’t know what went wrong, I was close. So… close…,” choked out Wilhelm. Despite shooting a 21 and putting forth a valiant effort, he was unable to compete with the intensity and pressure of Burkett’s two-putt per-hole doctrine.

“I was feeling good and the green was working in my favor,” stated Burkett Friday morning, “I knew Kaiser [Wilhelm] was going to be tough to beat, but I went into it with purpose. It was mine to lose.”

Sentiment in the office was mixed, but most seemed to realize that no matter how well you shoot, an 18 is nearly impossible to beat. Given this result however, many players may have a difficult time competing again in future tournaments.

“A career best 21 wasn’t good enough, and Dwight is going to have a lot of trouble handling that in the coming days. I don’t think he’ll be able to play again for at least a week, and even then it’ll be pathetic,” said fellow manager Paul Macchia.
Seated in the same office, Bryan Buchovecky shrugged his shoulders and added, “I might let him win a few rounds on me just to build up his confidence. After the round I told him, ‘Dwight, you didn’t lose; you just weren’t good enough to win.’” With a laugh he added, “Maybe that will make him feel better!”

After his own resounding loss in the first round of play, many feel that Mike Hankinson may have played a role in Burkett’s sudden rise in the office tournament’s ranks.

“They had a freaky sort of Yoda-Skywalker thing going on at this end of the building.”

Ross Johnson, previously defeated by Hankinson, was eager to share his experiences, “I kept seeing them talking and carrying on about the way to putt a certain hole, or the idiosyncrasies of how the green rises around some of the cups.” He shook his head and continued, “I think the low point was when Hankinson started talking like Yoda.”

Yoda, the famous green alien responsible for teaching Luke Skywalker his Jedi powers in the original Star Wars trilogy, was easily mimicked by Johnson, “the ball shall you putt, into the hole it must go. Fewer strokes you must have.”
When sought for further comment it was revealed that Johnson had left the company, apparently having been asked to clear out his desk after his comments were overheard by coworkers.

“I cannot confirm… or deny that statement,” stated Andy Johnson director of the Global Classified Center.

While much is still unclear concerning the tournament, it must be noted that Burkett has rocketed into the betting pool. This could however, prove to work against him when the final match is played.

“Whether he is able to continue his form and claim a second tournament for the CareerJournal.com team, or plummet in a meteoric decline of failure and ridicule, is yet to be seen”, states office bookie Kylie Garman.

posted by GreSam @ 12:31